June 14, 2006
Americans with no abilities act
NEW LAW COMING FROM CONGRESS -- AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACTWASHINGTON, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation,which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."
The President pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.
Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%),and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%) The DMV also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability. (63%)
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"
"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Senator Ted Kennedy, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."
Please contact your representative right away and let them know you support this act...that is, if you are able...
Posted by Sid at 12:25 AM | Comments (1) | Satire
September 20, 2005
FEMA Already Failing in Texas
I have no idea how I am going to survive the coming hurricane Rita. After witnessing the destruction of New Orleans and the total failure of government I fear I may soon be homeless and starving in a toxic mosquito infested swamp.
Even now I have not seen a single FEMA representative. They have not come by my house yet and boarded up my windows or cleared my yard of possible flying objects. How do they propose to protect my property if they do not attend to these basic precautions?
Additionally they have not delivered the weeks supply of water, food and fuel I will be needing to survive when basic city services fail. If I am forced to leave my home after the storm destroys it how will I have the supplies necessary to survive when the bus arrives to take me to the shelter of last resort during the hurricane.
At this time no one has yet come to my home to explain the bus schedule that will be used before, during and after the hurricane to move me in case my house is destroyed while I try to sit the storm out. I also have not yet been assigned a helicopter for emergency extraction. How do I know which helicopter will be mine without receiving notice? FEMA also has not advised me of the city and hotel I will be placed in during evacuation or provided me funds for an extended absence from my home and job.
How is it possible after the horror that is New Orleans FEMA still cannot get its act together?
Posted by Sid at 06:24 AM | Comments (0) | Satire
September 01, 2005
Katrina Devastation Brings Call to Relocate Mississippi River
With every new disaster be it earth quake, mudslide, flooding, blizzard, tornado, wildfire or hurricane we ask why do people continue to rebuild in areas with such a high probability of being impacted by a natural disaster. Year after year we see the same thing over and over. This time Hurricane Katrina dealt a devastating economic blow to the entire nation. By striking the mouth of the Mississippi river it knocked out a major artery for the distribution of fuel and goods for much of the nation not to mention the loss of life and lively hood for those that lived nearby.
Obviously the easiest way to prevent natural disasters would be to drive President Bush from office but widespread ignorance and corruption makes this a completely unrealistic option in a democratic society. It is a statistical fact that no natural disasters ever occur under democratic presidencies which would make them the logical choice for our future safety.
So with this in mind I propose we move the Mississippi river somewhere else where it will be safe. Seeing as how the US is subject to the occasional Republican president anywhere stateside would be too risky. Instead, I suggest we move the Mississippi river to France. This would have four benefits.
First, France being a reputable and highly successful socialist government has a large segment of unemployed that could really use the work a new river would provide. Second, environmental regulations in France are much stricter insuring that the Mississippi river would become much cleaner. Third, it used to belong to France anyway so any Americans relocating to France would have a better chance of already knowing some of the French language. And finally, we could station our troops to guard it with no concern that they would ever be attacked by the French military.
Posted by Sid at 12:38 AM | Comments (0) | Satire
August 24, 2005
Monumental Apology
Posted by Sid at 12:59 AM | Comments (0) | Satire
August 03, 2005
New UK Police Training to Include House Cleaning and Home Repair
Concern over Muslim reaction to the recent crackdowns on suicide bombers in the UK has led many departments to add etiquette, patience, house cleaning and home & car repair training to the standard police training regimen. Currently police in the UK are required to remove their shoes before raids.
Leaked guidelines from the Bedfordshire force say that when officers raid Muslim homes they should remove their shoes, not use dogs and not mount pre-dawn raids because at that hour people might by 'spiritually busy'.New additions to this policy soon to be implemented are restrictions on bursting into bathrooms while the suspect is indisposed. Police are to knock on the door politely and wait outside patiently until suspects complete their business including flushing, zipping and hand washing. If the suspect forgets the police are also required to put the lid down.
Additionally police officials will be required to wash the dishes, take out the trash, wash the cloths and handle any small home repairs that may be discovered while collecting evidence. As an added service they will search the garage for vehicles needing oil changes or tire inflation.
Officials hope this will offset any negative community reaction to police raids and may even encourage neighbors to turn each other in.
Posted by Sid at 12:38 AM | Comments (0) | Satire
August 02, 2005
NASA Worries That Yanking Loose Thread May Unravel Discovery
NASA is reporting that there are loose threads hanging off the shuttle. These threads have historically had a bad habit of snagging on clouds as the shuttle plunges through the atmosphere. Everyone who has ever experienced such a condition on a garment (particularly socks) know that should this loose thread snag on something serious damage can occur including bunching, runs or complete unraveling.
In an effort to fix this situation NASA has scheduled a spacewalk to go and give the thread a slight tug. It is possible this thread will just be a loose fragment, in which case it should separate freely. Should the thread not come free easily the astronaut will attempt to use OSHA approved plastic safety scissors to try and trim the thread off. This is considered a long shot as these scissors have yet to successfully cut anything.
Rumor has it that should the plastic safety scissors fail there is an unauthorized backup plan involving contraband toenail clippers.
Posted by Sid at 01:09 AM | Comments (2) | Satire
July 25, 2005
Terrorist Diversify, Recruit Christians, Atheists to Die For Virgins
In an effort to increase diversity among Muslim suicide bombers, terrorist organizations around the world including Al Qaeda and Hamas have embarked on a new recruiting campaign targeting Christians, Jehovah Witness, Buddhists, Jews, Wiccan, atheists and agnostics. The new recruiting effort is being launched to demonstrate that the current trend in Muslim suicide bombings is merely a coincidence and has nothing whatsoever to do with the peaceful teachings of Islam.
With the recent acceptance in the west of many paths to God, advocates of the new recruitment drive contend that the promise of 72 virgins and payouts to the deceased families should play a significant role in attracting cross faith suicide bombers. They contend that these incentives make their path to god much more attractive then the 2 closest competitors. Upon accepting official recruitment these individuals are mailed their official terrorist badge, a confirmation that the check is in the mail and a coupon for 72 virgins redeemable at the deity of their choice.
These efforts have met rave reviews from many supporters in the west who are eager to see a more inclusive and diverse approach to mass killings of innocent men, women and children. Supporters of this new effort contend that this will go a long way towards destroying the myth of Muslim terror and make countries around the world search for more effective means of dealing with these attacks then profiling.
UPDATE: A buddy asked me the following:
I like the coupon idea, but it makes me wonder... just when exactly is double coupon day in the afterlife? Also, lets say that there is a sudden run on this deal and they run out of virgins, are the coupons then redeemable for persons of equal or greater experience, does one have to pay the difference, or do you just get a rain check and get sent back to martyr yourself again another day? Finally I also wonder, are the coupons transferable, I mean could I... oh say load up uncle Bob and launch him at the infidels and then sell his virgin voucher on e-bay?Some people are always looking for an angle to maximize their benefit.
Seems Jay Tea at Wizbang and I think alike.
Posted by Sid at 11:05 AM | Comments (0) | Satire
