Truth Out Loud

January 16, 2006

Rent-A-Negro

Too Funny.
[Hat tip: La Shawn Barber]

Posted by Sid at 12:45 AM | Comments (0) | Humor

November 23, 2005

John Kerry Wins 2005 Election

To the great relief of his campaign staff.

Sen. John Kerry's public profile and prosecutorial past didn't spare him from performing that most mundane of civic responsibilities — jury duty.

Kerry was not only chosen this week to sit on a jury in Suffolk Superior Court, but also was elected foreman.

Posted by Sid at 12:49 AM | Comments (0) | Humor

November 14, 2005

Suicide Bomber Lesbian Connection?

If male suicide bombers get 72 virgins, what do female suicide bombers get?

Jordan has arrested an Iraqi woman who failed in her attempt to carry out a suicide bombing alongside her husband at an Amman hotel last week, officials said on Sunday.

Or how is she going to feel competing with 72 virgins?

Just asking. I want to try and understand Islam.

Posted by Sid at 12:59 AM | Comments (0) | Humor

October 08, 2005

General Zod for President in 2008

I wonder if this guy has a chance against Hillary.

Posted by Sid at 12:02 AM | Comments (0) | Humor

September 07, 2005

The Politics of Blame

Posted by Sid at 12:35 AM | Comments (0) | Humor

September 05, 2005

High Price of Gas Makes Cost/Benefit on My Life Go South

My wife asked me an odd question today. For years any hint that I might get a motorcycle was met with a resounding NO! Well, out of the blue she asked me if I was still licensed to ride motorcycles back from our days in College Station. I advised her that no, I had never completed the licensing at that time so was not licensed to ride motorcycles.

A little while later I started to wonder why she asked the question so I asked her if the rising cost of gas might be leading her to a rethinking of her position on motorcycles.

She said "Well yes, that and the life insurance"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It seems the cost of gas was the final tiping point.

Posted by Sid at 01:51 PM | Comments (0) | Humor

August 19, 2005

Ebay Offers Hope for Iraq Constitution Impass

Andy Borowitz has a cute piece here.

In what many in the international community are calling a bold shift in strategy, Iraq's National Assembly said today that it would give up its wrangling over a new constitution and would instead attempt to buy one on eBay.

Might I suggest this one. We have no real use for it now that our courts have things under control.

Posted by Sid at 12:10 AM | Comments (0) | Humor

August 17, 2005

The Dangers of Thinking.

It started out innocently enough.

I began to think at parties now and then--to loosen up.

Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone--"to relax," I told myself--but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors...

They didn't open. The library was closed.

To! this da y, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a Poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I made the final step, I registered to vote as a Democrat.

Via Free Republic

Posted by Sid at 12:10 AM | Comments (0) | Humor

August 13, 2005

Rest Easy, the ACLU is On the Job

Posted by Sid at 12:46 AM | Comments (0) | Humor

August 11, 2005

22 Things About the Bible that Drives the Left Crazy

This is a bit old but is new to me.

1. Moses parted the Red Sea without first performing an environmental impact study.

2. Jesus gave a Sermon on the Mount where he talked of giving to the poor, and spoke out against greed, and all without charging attendees $300 per ticket. (Barbra Streisand only).

3. The term "The Three Wise Men" is insensitive to the intellectually challenged. That should be changed to the "Trio of educationally advantaged amateur astronomers."

4. Instead of gold, frankincense and myrrh, they should have brought hummus, incense and a representative from Child Protective Services.

5. The Virgin Mary didn't first meet with consultants from Planned Parenthood.

6. Ten plagues and still not a single person thought of nationalizing health care?

7. Adam didn't ask Eve for verbal as well as written consent before touching her.

8. Of course Cain killed Abel. He was obviously suffering either from bipolar disorder, low blood sugar, emotional abuse as a child, or societal neglect.

9. "The trials of Job" were nothing. Try getting a job with nothing but a masters degree in Norwegian Art History – that's a test!

10. Too bad Greenpeace didn't have their own ark so they could have rammed Noah's Ark. You just know that, after the flood, Noah sold those animals to the circus.

11. The destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah could have easily been prevented if they would have passed hate-crime legislation sooner.

12. Jesus is one of the greatest teachers in history, but isn't a member of the National Education Association. In other words, God uses scab labor.

13. David slew Goliath simply because he was unfortunate enough to have been stricken with gigantism.

14. "The Last Supper" didn't offer an option for people on gluten-free diets, and the fat content on the food was not labeled.

15. The part about Jonah and the whale becoming entangled in tuna nets is conveniently passed over in the Old Testament.

16. God should have spent the seventh day not resting, but rather going around putting warning stickers on all potentially dangerous, really pointy things.

17. What's the big deal about Nebuchadnezzar spending seven years ingesting grass? Heck, Woody Harrelson's done it longer than that.

18. The Bible mentions nothing about obtaining the necessary permits to build the Tower of Babel.

19. People lived to be hundreds of years old without prescription-drug coverage? I don't think so.

20. Jesus turned water into wine, which was not very mindful of those who happened to be teetering on the brink of plunging down the stairs of their 12-step program.

21. Of all the wealth possessed by King Solomon, the amount he donated to environmental causes: $0.
    

And the thing about the Bible that drives the left the most crazy? People can find salvation without their assistance.

Posted by Sid at 12:36 AM | Comments (0) | Humor

July 09, 2005

War Declared on Toilet Paper

I think some of the substandard toilet paper is located where I work. Surely if the government in Tanzania gets involved in toilet paper quality the US government will not be far "behind".

Concerned for the comfort and hygiene of its citizens, the Tanzanian government is warning the toiletry trade of legal action for producing or selling sub-standard toilet paper in the east African nation.

The country's chief regulatory body, the Tanzania Bureau of Standards (TBS), says it will take manufacturers or distributors of toilet tissue to court if their products do not meet national requirements for softness, size or alkalinity.

"It has come to our notice that there are firms manufacturing and selling sub-standard toilet paper," said Charles Ekelege, a senior TBS official, adding that sanitary concerns were not the bureau only reason for the crackdown.

"The production of sub-standard things like toilet paper is not only bad for the manufacturer but could tarnish the country's image,"[Emphasis mine] he told AFP at the ongoing 29th Dar es Salaam International Trade Fair.

If your countries image relies on toilet paper you have much bigger problems then toilet paper quality.

Posted by Sid at 12:10 AM | Comments (0) | Humor

July 02, 2005

Kennedy Slams Unnamed Supreme Court Nominee

Scrappleface always says it best.

Kennedy Slams Unnamed Supreme Court Nominee
by Scott Ott
(2005-07-02) -- Sen. Ted Kennedy, D-MA, today criticized President George Bush's as-yet-unnamed replacement for retiring Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor as a "brutal, Bible-thumping, right-wing ideologue who hates minorities, women and cocker spaniels."

"He or she is clearly outside the mainstream of American values," said Sen. Kennedy. "President Bush has again ignored the Senate's 'advice and consent' role, forcing Democrats to filibuster this outrageous nominee."

The Massachusetts Senator said his aides have already discovered "reams of memos" showing that the man or woman Mr. Bush will appoint has "a history of abusing subordinates, dodging military service, hiring undocumented workers, spanking his or her children and rolling back the clock on human rights to the days when the Pharaohs ruled Egypt with an iron fist."

The Senator's office issued a news release to the media documenting the allegations against the potential high court judge, with a convenient blank line allowing reporters to fill in the nominee's name as soon as that information is leaked.

Posted by Sid at 05:19 PM | Comments (0) | Humor

Ass Pinching Results in Partial Blindness

Don't let this happen to you.

A MAN who drunkenly pinched a young woman's bottom in a pub was repaid for his unwanted attentions when she smashed a glass in his face, damaging his eyesight.

More here.

Posted by Sid at 12:15 AM | Comments (0) | Humor

June 18, 2005

THE WOMAN WHO STOLE A DEAD CAT

A must read. I nearly choked to death laughing.

Our friend Tim was out antiquing with his aunt and uncle. They were driving from town to town, following highways in rural areas...(they are really into antiques) when a cat darted across the road in front of their car. Of course they hit it. They stopped the car on the side of the road to see how the cat fared. It was dead...grossly dead. Feeling bad about the cat they thought of notifying its owner, but it had no collar, and there were no homes nearby.

They felt responsible for killing the cat, and since they couldn't locate its owner they felt the least they could do was remove it from the road. The grabbed one of the paper bags that held a purchase from a previous antique store, emptied it, put the cat inside the bag, and set the bag in the trunk. Their plan at this point was to find a dumpster to put it in. They were already headed to McDonalds for lunch, so they decided just to use the dumpsters there.

Arriving at McDonalds they discovered - yep - the dumpsters were behind a locked gate, surrounded by a tall fence. Well now what? They decided the cat could wait until after lunch. Who knows where the next available dumpster might be and now they're kinda stuck with the thing. Did I mention this was a hot summer day? Beating sun and withering heat? Before going into McD's they thought it best to remove the bag from the trunk. The heat would really cause their car to smell something awful. Not knowing what else to do with it they put it on the roof of their car, then proceeded to get their food and take a window seat inside McD's.

THIS is what happened next....

A Caddy pulled up and parked next to their car, and well dressed woman emerged. Stepping out of her car she noticed the bag on top of theirs. Looking stealthily around to be sure no one was looking she quickly swooped up the bag, tucked it under her arm with a pleased smile and headed into the restaurant. Tim and his relatives were shocked, mouths hanging open in disbelief. They decided not to say anything - I for one would want to see what would happen if I remained silent too!

After receiving her food and snaring a table the woman set down her tray, had a seat, and then remembered with a sly smile - the bag! What kind of booty did I make off with today? Tim's group was having trouble acting normal, making sure not to eat so they wouldn't choke on the laughter. The woman opened the bag, had a look inside (dead messy cat), and promptly fainted across her tray.

The McDonald's employees saw her pass out and assumed what any normal person would - that she had a medical condition or maybe a heart attack. They quickly dialed 911. A few minutes later an ambulance arrived, removed a gurney, loaded the woman onto it, grabbed her belongings - INCLUDING the dead cat in the bag (who would think to look inside? Would YOU expect a dead cat in there?) - strapped the woman's things to her side and sped for the nearest hospital.

Now that is where the factual information on the story ends. However conjecture here can be creative and fun. I have always wondered what happened when the woman awoke and found the bag strapped to her side. What could she do? Admit what was in it? Do they inventory your items when you get to the hospital? Was she transferred to the locked ward - given a padded room?

And just how do you explain the bag and its contents? After all, it's not like she was found in a field with a shovel and Bible. She was eating at a McD's for goodness sakes. With a dead messy cat in a bag on the table next to her food. What possible explanation could you give??? "Well...I just really loved old Fluffy and thought 'one more car ride and dinner for old time's sake'"

Original here.

Posted by Sid at 10:25 AM | Comments (0) | Humor

TURBIN DURBIN OWNED BY IOWAHAWK

I have a feeling this will soon be a favorite site of mine. Go visit and read all the letters.

Mr. Hector Gutierrez
Gutierrez Bros. Landscaping
Arlington, VA

Dear Mr. Gutierrez:

Nothing could have prepared me for the shock that awaited as I exited the front door of my home early Wednesday morning, where I discovered that your lawn crew had cut a swath of environmental destruction across my yard so horrifying that it only can be compared to the Rape of Nanking. I can scarcely bring myself to describe the killing fields that are my North azalea beds and the brutal degradation and torture suffered by the bluegrass around the locust tree by the rear patio. I am writing to inform you that I have contacted the US Department of Interior to conduct a full independent investigation into Gutierrez Brothers' actions in this matter. Please be advised that you may be subpoenaed for records pertaining to mower height, pruning shear maintenance, and leaf blower emissions. I would also advise your crewmen to heed the lessons of the Judgement At Nurenburg: although they may be spared the justice due their superiors, "I was only following orders" is not an excuse.

Sincerely,

Senator Richard J. Durbin
Washington, DC

Posted by Sid at 12:39 AM | Comments (0) | Humor

June 17, 2005

NAZIS' BREAK INTO GITMO AND FIDDLE WITH AIRCONDITIONING

First Senator Turbin Durbin says this.

On one occasion, the air conditioning had been turned down so far and the temperature was so cold in the room, that the barefooted detainee was shaking with cold. . . . On another occasion, the [air conditioner] had been turned off, making the temperature in the unventilated room well over 100 degrees.

If I read this to you and did not tell you that it was an FBI agent describing what Americans [emphasis mine]had done to prisoners in their control, you would most certainly believe this must have been done by Nazis, Soviets in their gulags, or some mad regime--Pol Pot or others--that had no concern for human beings.

Then he says this.

I have heard my colleagues and others in the press suggest that I have said our soldiers could be compared to Nazis. I'd say to the Chairman of the Armed Services Committee, I do not even know if the interrogator involved here was an American soldier. I didn't say that at any point. To suggest that I am criticizing American servicemen, I am not. I don't know who is responsible for this.

If this is true we need an immediate investigation on why Nazi's are being allowed to break into Gitmo and fiddle with the air-conditioning. I know for a fact that messing with air-conditioning controls is a serious offence so we may be able to jail any of the Nazi trespassers we can catch.

See more excellent analysis by Jay Tea at Wizbang on the outrageous torture claims. Also see Michelle Malkin.

Posted by Sid at 11:55 AM | Comments (0) | Humor

June 16, 2005

TORTURE AMERICAN STYLE

John over at Powerline gets it just right here.

By the way, there is a serious point to be made here. No one thinks that playing Christina Aguilera music, shaving a guy's beard off, and putting him in the same room with a woman are the most effective ways to extract information from a detainee. The reason why these unorthodox methods were used, obviously, is that the more effective, but less humane, techniques that have been used since time immemorial were banned by our civilian authorities, and the American military took seriously the restrictions under which they were operating. The mildness with which terrorist detainees have been treated stands as an imperishable monument to the greatness of the American spirit and the moderation of the Bush administration.

Posted by Sid at 12:55 AM | Comments (0) | Humor

June 15, 2005

ROVE TRICKS DEMS INTO KEEPING DEAN

I like Jim Geraghtys' take on a recent interview with Dick Cheney. Could it be possible that Carl Rove and Dick Cheney hatched a plot to trick the democratic party into rallying around Howard Dean.

On the other hand, if Republicans are enjoying Dean's reign, and they want to make sure he doesn't get replaced as DNC chair, is there a better way to make sure Democrats keep him than to have Cheney say Dean is "not the kind of individual you want to have representing your political party"?

If Democrats were to dismiss Dean as chairman of the DNC shortly after Cheney said he ought to go, the Deaniacs would explode with conspiracy theories that Karl Rove is secretly running the Democratic National Committee...

It would be so choice even if it was ridiculous.

Posted by Sid at 12:22 AM | Comments (0) | Humor

June 14, 2005

I KNEW IT!!

My life is over.

Almost half U.S. women do not mind if a man is losing his hair, but 99 percent are against comb-overs, a new survey has found.

Forty-eight percent of the women in the online poll for Cargo magazine say men shouldn't even worry about hair loss, while 32 recommend going with the flow and cutting all hair off. But only 1 percent suggest hiding a balding head under a cap or a comb-over.

That means over half do mind. But I guess I need to go get new shoes.

... 58 percent say they'd rather not see men wearing sandals.

I saw no data on single eyebrows, hair growing out of the ears, shaving your head if it's mutant shaped and those 3 inch long mutant hairs that seem to grow everywhere. Article here.

Posted by Sid at 12:17 AM | Comments (0) | Humor

June 07, 2005

Chickens UNITE!!!!

Its time to create a new organization called COSHA (Chicken Occupational Safety and Health Administration) to improve the chicken workplace.

Few feathers fly when scientists announce new discoveries regarding the intelligence of animals and how our underestimation of their mental faculties couldn't be more outdated.

While terms like "bird-brained" have become part of our lexicon, it now seems that being compared to birds should be considered a compliment.

Among the chickens who face the most abusive conditions are egg-laying hens - the national flock size is roughly 300 million birds. They are typically housed in battery cages that don't allow the animals enough space even to spread their wings. With no opportunity to engage in many of their natural behaviors, including nesting, dust bathing, perching, and foraging, these birds endure lives of daily frustration and suffering.

More. Pass me the chicken nuggets please.

Posted by Sid at 12:05 AM | Comments (0) | Humor

May 27, 2005

Toilet is health risk

Pentagon Recalls Koran-Flushing Toilet

by Scott Ott
(2005-05-26) -- In response to appeals from consumer advocate Ralph Nader, the Pentagon today recalled thousands of military toilets because they may be powerful enough to flush a copy of the Koran.

"If that toilet generates enough force to take down a book of several hundred pages," said Mr. Nader, "then it poses a clear and present danger to prisoners at Guantanamo and to our troops worldwide."

Mr. Nader, who became famous in the late 1960s by declaring the Chevrolet Corvair 'unsafe at any speed', said, "I would rather drive a Corvair at top speed on figure-8 track than take my chances on this turbo-flush toilet. It's unsafe for any deed, and may constitute a violation of the Geneva Conventions."

In fact, U.S. troops around the world have privately complained of the dangers posed by the plumbing fixture they call an 'I.I.D.' -- Improvised Implosive Device.

"It's a swirling vortex of death," said one unnamed soldier. "The other day, I lost a grenade, my helmet and hardcover copy of 'War and Peace' in one fell swoop."

The Pentagon statement praised U.S. troops for "their willingness to perform their duty in the face of such risk."

The guy is a genius.

Posted by Sid at 11:55 AM | Comments (0) | Humor

Hootersair

It was bound to happen. Book now.

Posted by Sid at 12:52 AM | Comments (0) | Humor

May 21, 2005

Garfield attacks Newsweek

Posted by Sid at 06:31 PM | Comments (0) | Humor

May 20, 2005

Briefs

I am sure you all wanted to know.

Posted by Sid at 12:58 PM | Comments (0) | Humor

May 18, 2005

Filibuster update.

I have been listening to democratic reaction to events in the senate.

Posted by Sid at 04:19 PM | Comments (0) | Humor

Darth Tater

Click pic for details

Posted by Sid at 11:59 AM | Comments (0) | Humor

May 16, 2005

Scrappleface nails it again.

Origional here

Newsweek Told Koran Flush Story Was 'Slam Dunk'
by Scott Ott
(2005-05-16) -- An unnamed former top government official told a Newsweek magazine reporter that his story, about a U.S. military guard at Guantanamo prison flushing a Koran down a toilet, was "a slam dunk," according to the latest apology from Newsweek editor Mark Whitaker.

The magazine's uncorroborated, single-source, hearsay report of the Koran desecration sparked riots in several Muslim countries, killing at least 15 and injuring perhaps 100.

While the magazine has apologized publicly to the riot victims and their families, Mr. Whitaker told the New York Times, "We're not retracting anything. We don't know what the ultimate facts are."

For those unschooled in professional journalistic ethics, Mr. Whitaker explained that a retraction demands a higher standard of evidence than an ordinary news item.

"You don't just rush to press with a retraction until you nail down the facts," he added.

Newsweek reporter Michael Isikoff said his anonymous source is now unsure where he got the Koran-flushing information, which was broadcast across the Arab world by Al-Jazeera and others.

"If there's a bright side to this story," said Mr. Whitaker. "At least our anonymous sources are safe, unharmed. And of course, our advertisers now know that Newsweek has great credibility in the Arab world, despite the bad feelings that Muslims have about America in general."

In an effort to help in the grieving process, the magazine's publisher said that immediate family members of the dead would receive a free 90-day trial subscription to Newsweek.

"If they're done grieving after 90 days, they can write 'cancel' on the invoice and pay nothing," he said. "Otherwise we'll just bill their credit cards in three easy installments at a substantial savings off the newstand price."

Posted by Sid at 02:08 PM | Comments (0) | Humor

May 09, 2005

Presenting - THE OCTODOG!!

I GOTTA GET ME ONE OF THESE!!!

Posted by Sid at 10:44 PM | Comments (0) | Humor

May 05, 2005

Scrappleface rules!!

You may note my link to Scrappleface to the left but I want to take the time to highlight just how funny and insightful the humor produced by Scott Ott can be. I HIGHLY recommend reading back in the acrhives if you have the time. Each exampe of satire is tied to the events of the day.

Girl, 13, Gets Abortion, But No TV for a Week
by Scott Ott

(2005-05-03) -- A 13-year-old girl, who ran away from a government home and got pregnant, today received permission from the state of Florida to abort her 14-week-old child.

However, a spokesman for the state Department of Children and Families announced that because she broke the rules by running away, "this young lady is in big trouble and gets no TV for a whole week."

The rest is here

If you do not visit this site regularly you are missing a huge treat.

Posted by Sid at 02:39 PM | Comments (0) | Humor